


Finding Paradise

by completebuffoonery



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28377462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/completebuffoonery/pseuds/completebuffoonery
Summary: Toni's POV from the Clam Incident to just before the end of ep 10.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 25
Kudos: 265





	1. Don't eat the seafood

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing is basically an excuse from me to watch episodes 6-10 again and the fact that I can't get this angry little lesbian out of my head. I plan on following Toni from when Shelby had her Westboro moment until right before the end of ep 10.

Toni stormed off, her heart beating in her ears. She didn’t know where she was going, just away from there. Away from the group and their stares and her. She knew if she didn’t get away fast she was going to hit something or someone, and the last thing she needed was a repeat of the shelter incident. The sand shifted under her feet as she scrambled across the beach up to where the grass began. She spotted a large rock jutting out of the earth and dropped down behind it.

How could she be so stupid? Of course Shelby, the bible-thumping pageant queen from Texas, was a giant homophobe. 

Toni brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Even though she had come out when she was 13 and had more than enough experience dealing with intolerant morons, she was still hyper aware whenever she explicitly came out to someone new. Sure, her sexuality was no secret, but the joke with the clams was the first time she had said it out loud on the island. 

She wished she didn’t care this much, that part of her (ok, a big part of her) hadn’t been hoping that Shelby was one of those Christians who actually believed you should accept everyone as they are. Rage and something deeper, something that felt a lot like being sucker punched, swirled low in her stomach as she began grabbing and releasing fistfuls of sand.

Why did she care so much what Shelby thought? She’d been nothing but a pain in Toni’s ass since the moment she stepped foot on the island.

“Well, besides the part where she saved Marty’s life” a small voice in her head whispered. 

Toni squeezed her eyes shut against the memory of waking up on the island and not seeing Marty. Of feeling helpless and scared out of her mind that she just lost her only friend, her sister. And finally being so relieved when she saw her limping up the island.

Anger swelled in her chest as she remembered Marty’s words. 

“Shelby’s been... Shelby’s been amazing!”

Yeah well, at least everyone now knew what Toni had known since the beginning. That she might be a saint on the outside, but inside she was nothing more than a shallow, judgemental princess.

Toni flung one more fistful of sand towards the sea and then buried her head in her arms. The pounding in her head and swirling in her stomach was getting worse. A lot worse. 

____________________________________________

After violently expelling the clams she just ate, Toni scrambled back to the beach. What the fuck? God, if this is food poisoning they’re all fucked. She pushed thoughts of Shelby and her anger aside as she ran back to check if Marty, who had always had a sensitive stomach, was ok.

Halfway there, a stomach cramp dropped her to her knees and she began to dry heave. The rest of the short journey back to the group was a grueling crawl along the sand before the pain took over and she forgot why she was moving in the first place. She curled up into a ball and tried to will the pain away and convince knot in her stomach to loosen just a fraction.

After laying in the fetal position for what felt like a lifetime, she became painfully aware of how swollen her throat felt. She reached for a La Croix can that now held what she hoped was filtered water and tried to drink. Instantly, her stomach tightened and she began retching into the sand. Tears stung her eyes and her empty stomach clenched over and over. When it was finally done she flopped on her side exhausted.

Some time later (a minute, a day, a year, she had no idea) she became aware of Fatin murmuring above her. She felt lukewarm water hit her lips and again her stomach instantly convulsed. She thought she heard Marty’s concerned voice but didn’t have the strength to lift her head and check. 

Later still, there was some commotion and she heard Dot’s frantic voice above her. Then Leah, “I have a med -- I have A med.”

“She’s really bad,” Toni heard Marty say softly.

That got Toni’s attention, there was no way she was taking a pill that could help Marty. “Don’t bother, Marty” she managed to groan. 

Someone pulled her into a sitting position and tried to pour more water down her throat, which went about as poorly as the other attempts.

“Dot....DOT!” Leah yelled. 

There was more commotion and yelling around her. Then, “Toni, I’m going to need you to take this.”

Despite her current state, Toni felt the familiar rush of anger build within her at the sound of Shelby’s voice. Oh, so now Shelby wants to play the hero again? Over Toni’s dead body.

Toni used what was left of her strength to wrench her eyes open and glare at Shelby. “Get. Away. From. Me.” 

“Should Shelby really be on the front lines for this considering the shit that just went down?” she heard Fatin say from somewhere in the distance.

“I got this all right!” Shelby’s voice shakes as she speaks. “If I put this in your hand, can you take it?” she asks Toni. 

She must be out of her goddamn mind. “I’m not gonna take shit from you.” Toni spits out, glaring at her with as much vitriol as she can summon. 

Voices raise around her as Toni begins to slip out of consciousness again. Suddenly, she’s flat on her back and realizes Shelby is straddling her. Oh, hell no. Toni clamps her mouth closed but it doesn’t take long to realize she can’t breathe. That damn bitch is squeezing her nose shut. 

Unwillingly, she gasps for air and feels Shelby shove the pill into her mouth and immediately place her hand over Toni’s lips. 

“Swallow the fucking pill.” Shelby’s voice is millimeters away from her ear. Since it’s not like she has a choice, Toni chokes down the pill. Shelby’s weight lifts off of her as she tries to catch her breath and process what just happened. 

She feels the others start to move away as she turns on her side and curls into a ball. A warm arm wraps around her and she hears Marty whisper “We’re going to be ok.” 

Toni finally begins to relax, but is unable to shake the feeling of Shelby’s weight on her. Shelby, who basically just admitted to being disgusted by Toni, forcing the life-saving pill into her mouth and sounding so scared when Toni refused to take it. She was too exhausted to make any sense of it. The nausea was finally beginning to fade and she could feel Marty’s warm body behind her. She took a cautious sip from a can of water someone had left near her. This time, it stays down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos! This story is my first attempt at fan fiction and the encouragement is sincerely appreciated.

When Toni finally wakes up a few hours later, it’s dark out and someone has moved her closer to the fire. A cool breeze plays across her face and she can’t believe how much better she feels. The nausea has almost completely faded away and the pounding in her head is gone. Marty snores lightly off to her left and she can hear Dot and Fatin talking a few feet away. 

Her throat still feels swollen so she stands and moves over to the communal water pile that Dot insisted they use. A random collection of metal bottles and La Croix cans filled with water lay haphazardly around a log. 

Picking up a slightly scorched bottle, Toni cautiously sips the lukewarm water. Mercifully, her stomach stays calm and she gulps some more down before replacing the bottle and making her way back over to Marty. She settles into a cross legged position and stares at the dancing flames. “Cowboy TV” her mom called it the one time they went camping, before her second rehab stint and things truly went to shit. 

Slowly, memories from the day start filtering back. Embarrassment makes her cheeks go red as she remembers how helpless she was lying in Fatin’s arms. Then, she remembers Shelby shoving the pill in her mouth and the embarrassment is quickly replaced by anger. Of all the people on this island why did it have to be her who insisted on giving her the pill? As if that somehow makes up for what she said yesterday afternoon. 

Toni thinks back on all the times she saw Shelby glance uneasily at her or make some unnecessary comment about her wonderful boyfriend back home, as if she needs to prove how great he is to everyone. Deep down, Toni knew a confrontation like yesterday was inevitable. That Jesus-loves-everyone act can only last for so long. 

She pulls her knees up to her chest and sneaks a look around the fire to see if Shelby is somewhere nearby. She spots her sitting with back half to the fire, staring out at the ocean. Her blonde hair is sloppily pulled away from her face and she’s still wearing the same gray tank top she was earlier.

Unwittingly, another memory comes back to Toni. Of Shelby pushing her onto her back, straddling her, the intensity in her voice. Despite feeling like she was halfway in the grave at the time, she remembers the feeling of Shelby’s thighs against the outside of her hips and the heat that came off of her. A feeling other than anger starts to stir in her chest. Thankfully, Toni doesn’t have to dwell on it for too long as Marty slowly wakes up beside her. 

“Always knew we’d get food poisoning or something one day.” Toni jokes. “Just thought it’d be the chicken nuggets at school.”

Marty sits up and smiles weakly at her. 

Toni feels a rush of affection and gratitude. “Thanks for watching after me today.”

“Yeah you’re...you’re welcome. Just don’t even think about it.” Marty breathes out. 

Marty sways a bit and her smile drops. “Hey, are you ok?” Toni asks.

There’s a pause and then, “Yeah. I’m just sweaty. I’m gonna go cool off.”

Toni is unconvinced as she watches Marty slowly walk away from the fire. 

“You should stay hydrated,” a voice above her says. Toni looks up to see Nora holding out a bottle of water.

“Thanks,” Toni replies, strangely touched. She grabs the bottle and takes a drink before handing it back to Nora. 

Toni can just barely make out Marty’s form on the edge of the firelight. As she’s watching her, Marty begins to stumble.

Panic begins to bloom in Toni’s chest. “Marty?” It comes out strangled.

Marty stops and looks back at the group. Her face is pale and Toni can see a thin sheen of sweat in the moonlight. “Marty!” Toni shouts as Marty falls to the ground. 

Shouts erupt around her as Toni vaults herself to her feet and sprints over to wear Marty is sprawled on the ground. 

“We need to get her someplace level!” Dot commands. 

The girls scramble to grab hold of Martha and lift her as gently as they can. “Over there, closer to the fire.” Dot says, doing her best to keep her voice level but Toni can hear the panic.

“Ok. Here.” They gently lower Marty onto the sand.

“Now turn her over on her side.” Nora chimes in, sounding as if she’s reading the WebMD entry for “Food Poisoning - Treatment.” 

Toni fights to keep her fear at bay but it’s beginning to overwhelm her. “What’s happening to her?” she chokes out.

“I don’t know.” Dot says. “Pepto might not have been the right thing.”

“Ok, so what do we do now Dottie?” Despite herself, Toni feels a rush of annoyance towards the girl. Doesn’t she watch all those survival shows? Shouldn’t she know what to do?

“I said I don’t know.” Dot snaps back.

“Ok, figure something out!” Toni can feel her heart pounding in her chest and the panic beginning to rise.

“Yeah, well, if we had the other Halophen then she could keep water down.”

The words hit Toni like a slap in the face. She had forgotten they only had found one of the pills, and she had taken it. 

She looks down at Marty’s pale face. _Please! You have to be ok_. When she looks back up she notices Shelby leaning down beside her. A hot knife twists in her chest.

“Why did you do it? Why did you give me the last one?” Toni demands.

Shelby looks shocked. “Toni...” 

“You _wasted_ it on me!” Toni snarls.

“Toni I didn’t...”

“LOOK at her!” Toni’s voice cracks. “Ok, she is a good person, and she cares about people, and people care about her, and she has a whole family, and you threw _me_ a lifeline.” Mrs. Blackburn’s face flashes in Toni’s mind. She would be devastated if anything happened to Martha. Who would care if Toni died? 

“Toni, you were dying!” Shelby looks at her incredulously. 

“Who cares!” Toni shouts at her. Shelby rocks back slightly on her heels, shock flashing across her face. “I don’t matter!” Toni continues. “Fuck, I don’t matter. I don’t fucking matter.” Tears spring to her eyes as she buries her head in Martha’s neck. What was she supposed to do if something happened to Marty? Marty had been her lifeline for so long, the one stable feature in her otherwise shitstorm of a life.

Leah’s halting voice breaks through from above her. “There...there might be some more meds out there, maybe even the ones that she needs. In...in the forest I might have dropped some. I was out there and basically delirious and I guess I dropped the bag and everything, everything just spilled.”

Toni’s blood starts to boil. She is about to throw herself at Leah but Dot beats her to it.

Dot shoves Leah, hard. “Why didn’t you tell any of us before?” Dot’s voice is deadly calm.

Leah casts her gaze wildly around her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Angers shakes Dot’s voice slightly. “Wherever you dropped it, you need to take me there. Now, Leah.”

Toni shifts her attention back to Martha as Leah and Dot run out of the camp, torn between wanting to race off and find the medication and not wanting to leave Martha’s side. 

Martha’s breath comes in short gasps and her eyelids flutter closed. Suddenly, Toni is gripped with the insane idea that she wishes she did believe in God. She wishes she had someone to pray to, someone to blame beside herself. She looks back up and notices Shelby is still kneeling beside her. Her face is a mirror of the fear Toni is feeling, but mixed with something else. Pity, Toni realizes. Their eyes meet briefly and Shelby quickly looks away. Toni opens her mouth to tell her to fuck off, but a rattling breath from Martha stops her. 

They stay in that position, with Shelby off to the side and Toni cradling Martha’s head, until Dot and Leah crash through the underbrush and out onto the beach.

“We found it!” Dot holds the pill triumphantly over her head. Leah puts her hands on her knees and struggles to catch her breath behind her. Being careful to gently lay Marty down first, Toni jumps up and grabs the pill. 

“Here, Marty. You have to take this.” She pushes the damp hair out of Marty’s face and coaxes her awake, placing the pill in her hand. 

Marty’s hand closes around the pill weakly and she begins to glance around for----

“Here.” Shelby says softly, handing her a bottle of water. 

Toni can’t even bring herself to be annoyed with her for still hovering. She just needs Marty to be better.

Marty accepts the bottle with a grateful smile and swallows the pill. Similar to Toni a few hours earlier, she settles on her side and begins to fall asleep. Toni wraps herself around her and begins softly singing whatever random rap song pops in her head. She hears Shelby finally move away from them and begins to drift off herself, her heart finally beginning to beat at a normal speed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I'm assuming Leah and Dot found that other Halophen but unless I'm missing something that's never confirmed? Anyway, in this version they somehow find it in the jungle in the middle of the night with a flame on a stick because why not.


	3. Chapter 3

Toni is jolted awake by a shock of cold water and the taste of salt in her mouth. _What the fuck?_ Another wave lifts her body slightly and she spins herself into a seated position. Dawn had barely begun to break and she could see the other girls scrambling around her. Somehow, the beach was flooding.

Toni feels the figure next to her stirring. “Martha!” she yells, grabbing her friend by the shoulders and making sure her head stays above the incoming waves.

“What’s happening?” Martha’s speech is still slightly slurred with sleep. 

Dot storms past them. “Tide came in like a fucking beast, swallowed up the whole camp.”

Toni begins to pull Martha towards higher ground, desperately trying to get clear of the surf. 

A voice next to her says “Martha, come here. Let me help.” Toni looks up to see Shelby grabbing Martha’s other side. Of course Shelby is here.

“I’ve got her. I’ve got her.” Toni snaps. 

Shelby gives her a look that Toni can’t decipher and then runs off to help the others.

“Why is there so much water?” Martha asks, pulling Toni’s attention back.

With a push, Toni finally gets Martha up to a standing position. “I’ve got you. Come on.”

She looks out at the water and sees Fatin desperately trying to shove her belongings back into her floating suitcase. Dot is nearby, looking like she’s about to start fighting the ocean with her bare fists. 

Further out, Toni can see Rachel working her way deeper into the ocean for god knows what reason. To her left, a distant voice calls out for help. It sounds a lot like Nora but Toni needs to get Martha off this beach. 

Her and Martha stumble as they make their way to the bluff. Martha is still weak from the previous night, and Toni does her best to support her weight up the beach. The memory of her giving Martha a piggyback the first day on the island flashes in her mind. And they thought _that_ was a bad day. 

Martha collapses as soon as they reach the grass. “I’m good.” she reassures Toni. “Go.”

The last thing Toni wants to do is leave her, but the shouts of the other girls pull her back towards the beach. She runs back towards the water and begins grabbing whatever she can see out of the water. She flings water bottles and clothing up towards higher ground, and drags whatever is too heavy to throw. Rachel comes out of the surf dragging the black box, and Dot rushes to help her pull it in. Fatin is clutching what’s left of her belongings and screaming at the ocean. Toni spies Nora dragging herself out of the ocean looking half-drowned. _God, this really is hell, isn’t it?_

Eventually, mercifully, the tide begins to subside. As the sun rises and the water recedes, one by one everyone but Shelby returns to the campsite, exhausted. Toni can see Shelby still scouring the beach for their belongings. Martha makes her way down to where Toni is seated and drops down beside her, leaning on her for support. 

Dot’s voice breaks the silence. “That’s it. Pull up stakes. We’re fucking moving.”

Martha raises her head “Again?” she asks, her voice thick with the fatigue they all feel. 

Dot gestures around helplessly. “Take a real good look at this camp. It’s not a refurb job. It’s fucking totaled.”

“But I thought you said the cave was a bust?” Rachel says.

“No, not the cave.” Dot replies. “We move to gold cliff beach around the bend. Doesn’t seem like the tide’s bitch, so, you know, maybe this tsunami horseshit won’t hit us again.”

“It’s not as windy there either.” Toni offers. 

Dot looks forlornly at their old fire ring. “Yeah, which will come in handy, seeing as we no longer have a fucking fire to keep us warm.”

Toni, “Shit. I hadn’t thought of that. Who was on fire duty last night?”

Dot gestures towards Fatin, whose eyes widen in an expression that says _don’t-look-at-me_. “Ok, technically it was my turn,” she says, “but Shelby practically begged me to sub her in so who was I to deprive her of that pleasure?”

Exasperated, Dot says, “Look, I know that Shelby has been trying so hard to get back in our good graces, but some of you have been a little too quick to take advantage of that.”

Toni almost laughs at that. “Yeah, sorry not sorry.”

Fatin nods in agreement. “Who cares? She’s a bigot.”

Leah chimes in, “I’m gonna ask a question, and it may not be helpful.” 

“Ok, good. Yeah, definitely do that.” Dot says sarcastically.

“Why did this catch us so off guard?” Leah asks. “I mean, haven’t you been keeping track of the tide?” She looks at Nora.

Rachel jumps in. “What are you saying? Nora should have seen this coming?”

Leah, frustrated, “No, Rachel, that’s not what I’m saying if you listen to me at all.”

“That’s _exactly_ what you’re saying.”

“What I’m saying---”

Martha rises to her feet and walks towards the group. “Why are we pointing fingers? This wasn’t anybody’s fault.” Toni looks over at her with a small smile. She’s always been impressed with Marty’s ability to be the peacekeeper, even if it was more than a little annoying sometimes. At least the island hasn’t changed that.

From behind Rachel, Nora says softly, “It’s true. It was bigger than a normal tide. Maybe from a storm or an offshore earthquake. It happened so fast, we all acted irrationally, like Fatin who jumped into a rip current to save her toothbrush.” 

Fatin shrugs. “What? It’s the only thing keeping me human.”

Nora’s voice turns venomous as she looks at Rachel. “Or Rachel, who left me for fucking dead.” Oh, shit. So it was Nora’s voice Toni had heard.

Rachel throws her arms in the air. “I went to get the black box because it’s our lifeline out of here. Don’t come at me for that!”

“Well, I’m your sister!” Nora spits back.

“Guys, please!” Martha yells.

The camp falls silent as they all look around at each other.

Finally, Fatin say “Ok, well, blame game aside, I think it’s safe to say that we can blame the dead fire on our problematic Jesus frea---”

She turns to see Shelby, who obviously heard everything she just said, walking back to the camp.

Shelby gives Fatin a wry smile then turns to the group. “Look what washed up.” She holds up a suitcase and a backpack. 

Martha rushes towards the suitcase. “Oh my god! It’s my bag!” She snatches it from Shelby. 

Toni walks over. “Marty, jackpot!”

Out of the corner of her eye, Toni notices Leah turn to Fatin and whisper something. Whatever, she didn’t have the energy for any of Leah’s crazy right now.

“All right, well, that’s one down.” Shelby says to the group. She holds up the red backpack. “Who does this belong to?”

There’s a pause as they all look at one another. Then it dawns on them. _Jeanette._ Martha and Toni continue to sift through Martha’s bag while the rest turn their attention to the backpack.

“It’s definitely her bag.” Dot says. 

Rachel grabs the bag and opens it. “Damn.” She pulls a bottle of vodka out of the bag. “Didn’t expect this from Jeanette.” 

Fatin, gesturing for the bottle. “Punk fucking rock.”

Martha gasps. “Uno!” She holds up a deck of Uno cards. Of course she brought Uno to Hawaii. 

Dot stops rummaging through what looks like Jeanette’s first aid kit and looks over, “Ok, Martha, I like Uno. We all like Uno, but if you throw a party over one more nonessential item in that bag of yours I swear to god...”

“Yeah, the two-in-one shampoo/conditioner was a true low point.” Fatin shudders. 

Martha shrugs at her. “What’s wrong with it? It smells like pears.”

Fatin, looking like she’s never heard a more ridiculous statement in her entire life, “It’s a two step process. Shampoo, then conditioner.”

Toni looks over at Marty and laughs, both remembering the care and attention Marty puts into her looks when she’s dancing. She just can’t be bothered when it comes to everyday life.

“All right, let’s see what else she’s got.” Rachel says as she dumps out the rest of the backpack. A collection of books, medicine, Clif bars, and other miscellaneous items tumble to the ground.

Dot reaches in and pulls some small container out. She holds it over her head. “Oh my god, guys, she has a fucking lighter. Jeanette is a fucking miracle!”

Toni remembers the pink-clad bubbly girl she met on the plane. “Man, I mean like, I took her for a straight edge, but it turns out she drinks, she smokes.”

Nora looks up from where she’s rummaging around the pile. “She brought, like, 20 benzos to a weekend getaway.” she says, holding up the pill bottle.

Fatin, sounds impressed, “Jeanette was actually living that Amy Winehouse life? I’m shook.”

“RIP.” Nora says.

“To Amy or Jeanette?” 

Nora looks at Fatin. “Both, obviously.”

Dot stands up and looks to where Shelby is lingering at the edge of the group. “Good find, Shelby. I mean, this is huge.”

Shelby nods. “Thanks.” She shrugs. “I just got lucky, really.”

Dot looks at Martha “Hey, um, birthday girl. You know, if you’re so psyched about getting your....”

Martha smiles, holding a pair of slippers “Hedgehogs.”

“...hedgehogs back, then don’t you think there’s somebody you could thank?” Dot looks over at Shelby.

Martha catches on quickly. “Yeah. Shelby, thank you so much.” Toni thinks from anyone else it might sound sarcastic, but from Marty it’s genuine. Toni sees the relief on Shelby’s face. Sometimes Marty’s willingness to forgive people is really fucking annoying. 

Leah breaks in. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Doesn’t anyone else find this utterly and completely unbelievable that Shelby just found this bag?”

“Leah.” Fatin says sharply.

“It’s like a deus ex machina.” Leah continues. _A deus ex what?_

Shelby, pulling her head back in shock, “It’s like a what?” she asks, echoing Toni’s thoughts.

Leah’s voice speeds up as she speaks. “It’s like, this perfect little thing that somehow has everything we need, and I....” She grabs her hair. “...I find it really fucking creepy that you found this just like you did before.” 

“So, like, what are you saying exactly?” Rachel asks.

Leah looks like she’s officially losing it. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” She pauses. “I think something pretty fucked is going on here, and I think somebody knows all about it.” She stares pointedly at Shelby and then reaches into Jeanette’s things.

She pulls out a box and looks back at Shelby “Seriously? Water purification tablets? There’s enough protein bars here to last us forever. There’s warm clothes. There’s more meds. Why the fuck would Jeanette bring this shit to a casual retreat in Hawaii?”

Toni and Martha glance at one another. Leah’s said some weird things before, but this is on another level.

Leah lurches to her feet and goes over to Shelby. “Who gave you this bag, and what the fuck do you know?” She’s sounding more and more unstable by the second.

Dot jumps in front of Shelby. “Leah! Settle down!”

Leah backs up a few steps. “I just want everyone to think about this for, like, two seconds. Think about what Shelby has done.” She jabs a finger towards Shelby. “She has found not one, but two magical, lifesaving bags. She is persistently optimistic, almost as if she knows that we are not in actual danger. She uses icebreaker after icebreaker to pump us for information like some sort of slumber party spy, and not to mention, she didn’t eat any of the fucking mussels.” 

Shelby seems to snap out of her initial shock and stares coldly back at Leah. “I said I was allergic.”

Leah snatches the lighter from Dot and holds it above her head.

“Hey what the hell?” Dot yells. “Give me the lighter back!”

Leah, holding it high “Tell us who you are working for. Just tell us what you know.”

“Jesus Christ, Leah!” Dot exclaims as she waves a hand in Shelby’s direction. “She’s not Jason Bourne, ok? I’ve seen her rap on the morning fucking announcements!” There’s a mental image Toni didn’t need.

Leah raises the lighter higher. From her left, Nora softly asks, “Leah, what are you doing?” 

“Nora, it’s fine, really.” Leah replies, never taking her eyes off of Shelby. “If I throw this one out, another one’s just gonna pop up. Right, Shelby?”

Shelby looks like she’s walked into the Twilight Zone and Toni can’t blame her. This is insane. 

Dot holds her arms out and takes a cautious step forward, looking like she’s approaching someone who’s threatening to jump off a bridge. “Don’t you fucking dare.” she tells Leah.

Suddenly, Nora comes flying in and tackles Leah. As someone who’s tackled more than one person bigger than herself, Toni’s actually kind of impressed.

“Leah! Get a grip, please.” Nora yells from on top of Leah.

Leah bucks her off. “Where are you going, Shelby?” Leah’s demands, her voice cracking. She gets up and runs at Shelby, grabbing her by the collar of her jacket. “Where do you sneak off to, every morning and every night? And what the fuck is happening on this island?” She punctuates each question with a jerk on Shelby’s collar. 

Shelby looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Leah’s unmoved. “You’re hiding something, I fucking know it.” She grabs Shelby’s face.

Shelby, voice shaking “Ok, yes. Maybe I am!” She shoves Leah off of her and pulls something out of her mouth. It takes Toni a second to realize what she’s seeing. Did this girl just pull out her teeth?

Leah looks shocked. “Happy? This is it. The big secret.” Shelby points at her retainer. “I’m a freak who wears my teeth on a piece of plastic, and I’m not sneaking off as part of some dirty scheme! All right, I’ve been cleaning this thing as privately as possible like I’ve done since I was 11 years old.” The tears in her eyes start to spill over. “Does that sort of answer your questions? Or if not, I could give you a better look.” She bares her teeth and Leah flinches away. 

Shelby turns her head and replaces her dentures. “All right, then.” Her voice is steadier somehow. “Guess y’all know everything now. I’m a fake bitch with dentures. Just one more reason to hate me.” She laughs humorlessly and looks over at Toni, her eyes burning. “Not that you needed any more.” The look roots Toni where she stands. Shelby quickly walks away from the group, leaving them stunned. 

Toni watches her leave. Despite everything, Toni can’t help but feel a little bad for her. She knows what it’s like to have your secrets suddenly revealed to an audience. Even though she may not like the girl, she didn’t deserve that. And that last look keeps coming back into Toni’s mind. There had been so much pain in Shelby’s eyes. Pain that went way beyond the vanity and embarrassment of a pageant queen having to wear dentures.

Rachel breaks the silence, “Nice.” she says, looking at Leah. “Nice job.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally going to start getting into the good stuff in the next few chapters! Lot's of canon dialogue in this part so not a lot of room for what's going on in Toni's head, but looking forward to getting into that a bit more in the coming scenes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni and Shelby collect some firewood...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slight delay with this one! Got a bit hung up with New Year's and some family commitments. Thank you so much for the kudos and comments!

As the rest of the group starts lugging their water-logged belongings towards their new camp, Toni decides to split off and start collecting firewood. They’ve learned the hard way how dusk can sneak up on them, and the only thing that sucks more than another night on this island is another cold, dark night on this island. Also, dragging a soaking wet inflatable raft through the sand is not exactly her idea of fun.

 _At least Marty is feeling better_ , she thinks as she begins to collect sticks. As she works her way deeper inland, she starts to realize how tired she is. Not just from the whole flooding ordeal and whatever Leah’s blow up was that morning, but from everything, this whole island. It feels like every waking moment brings some new disaster. She doesn’t think she’s slept more than 3 hours a night since she got here, and the lack of food is starting to get to everyone. 

Out of the corner of her eye, a flash of blonde hair catches her attention. Shelby is sitting against a fallen tree with her back to her. Surprisingly, the normal feelings of annoyance that usually pop up when Toni sees Shelby don’t emerge. Instead, Leah’s harsh words ring in her head and she just feels bad for her. 

It’s obvious Shelby knows she’s there, but she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even look at her. “Just getting a jump on the firewood situation.” Toni tells Shelby, unsure of what else to say.

Shelby still doesn’t look at her, so Toni resumes collecting firewood. That’s fine, she probably wouldn’t want to talk to any of them if she was Shelby either. 

Politeness has been ingrained since birth in Shelby though, and she can’t help but respond. “I only came here to get some space. I’m not, like, up to anything.”

Wait, did Shelby think she was following her? “Hey, I never took you for a special ops rat. That’s Leah’s shit.”

Shelby scoffs. “Right. You just think I’m an asshole.” She finally turns her head and looks at Toni for a second before turning away.

She doesn’t know why, but Toni feels compelled to try and cheer her up. Maybe the lack of sleep is messing with her brain or something.

She lets out a slow whistle and jokes “You say your prayers with that mouth?”

Shelby keeps her head turned away, but Toni can tell she’s smiling a bit. Encouraged, she says “Do you ever play pranks with those fangs of yours? You know, take 'em out, put ‘em on top of your brother’s lasagna when he’s not looking?”

Shelby looks at her again. “No” she says with a small smile. 

“You should think about it.” Toni replies as she resumes picking up wood. “It’d be a dope signature move.”

She’s staring at the ground and she hears Shelby’s halting voice. “You know my, my issues with, well whatever...like, with who you are, I don’t hate you, Toni.” She pauses and Toni looks up to see Shelby standing a few feet away. “You get that right?” Toni stomach drops. She can’t believe what she’s hearing. Shelby sounds so earnest, but that just makes it worse. 

Any compassion Toni was feeling towards Shelby flies out the window. Is Shelby honestly that naive? She stops with her arms full of wood and glares at the other girl. “Yeah,” she says, “You actually do, though. I saw your face when shit got a little too gay for you. You fucking shuddered.” Toni hates how hurt she feels when she remembers the look on Shelby’s face every time someone made a gay joke. Shelby looks to the ground, and Toni can see the tears stinging her eyes. “I’m sorry, that’s hate. Least you could do is own it.” For the millionth time, Toni wishes she didn’t care so much about what Shelby thinks of her.

Toni really doesn’t have the energy for another shouting match, so she turns her attention back to the logs laying on the ground and tries to subconsciously will Shelby to walk away. 

Instead, and Toni feels she really shouldn’t be surprised at this point, Shelby asks to help and walks over to where Toni is crouched down. While Toni would almost (almost) rather eat those clams again than spend more time with Shelby right now, she could actually use the help gathering firewood. She hands Shelby a few sticks from the bundle in her arms and they make their way to where Toni had begun to make a pile of wood, collecting more along the way.

They work in silence, going off in different directions to collect wood before bringing it back to the pile.Toni’s stripping some smaller branches for kindling when Shelby walks up and dumps an armful of sticks to the ground. Toni expects her to walk away, but instead Shelby says, “It’s genetic, by the way.” 

Toni glances up from where she’s crouched on the ground. What’s she on about now?

“When my baby teeth fell out the other one’s never came in, in case you were wondering.” Shelby continues. Oh, they’re still on the dentures thing. Toni still really doesn’t understand why Shelby cares so much about her teeth. Her parents can probably afford the top-of-the-line shit anyway. 

“I wasn’t.” Toni says, trying to end the conversation. She begins to put the kindling she’s gathered into a small sack so they can take it back to camp.

Shelby hesitates. “Yeah, I’m not fishing for sympathy, but it hasn’t not been hard.” 

Toni almost laughs. “Ok, Becky. Maybe don’t talk to me about hard.” 

“Nobody believes me when I say this but I do have actual problems.” Shelby sounds a little pissed off now. Toni rolls her eyes and continues putting small branches into the sack. “Like, way more than you can imagine.” 

Right, sure, ok. The blonde beauty from the nuclear American dream home has actual problems. Toni drops the bag and stands up. “All right, great. Let’s hear ‘em.”

Shelby’s expression hardens. “Do you have any idea what it's like to have to be pitch-perfect every second. To be watched like a hawk for the slightest bit of weight gain or the tiniest wobble in my heel, or if my hem is just a centimeter off regulation, or I say the wrong thing about international politics?” She lets out a breath. “Well then, god help me.”

She’s kidding, right? “So you’re complaining about being judged when you literally signed up for that?” Toni can’t help the derision that sneaks into her voice.

“I know. I know, but...” She steadies her gaze on Toni. “I’m not just talking about pageant stuff. It feels like everywhere I go somebody’s asking me to, like,” she pauses as she searches for the correct words. “To meet some kind of expectation. It’s a lot is all,” she shakes her head slightly, “the pressure.” 

Toni takes a deep breath. “Yeah, well, my dad’s been a no-show since day one, and my mom’s in and out of rehab like it’s a fucking White Castle, so nobody expects shit from me. Doesn’t feel great either.” She can’t believe she’s telling this to Shelby, of all people. “Do you know how many field trips I’ve had to bail on because no one’s been there to sign my permission slip? You know, and I don’t give a fuck about going to the planetarium, you know. It just would’ve been nice to have someone there to say that I could.” She actually did remember being devastated that she couldn’t go to the planetarium, but there was no way she was going to tell that to Shelby.

“Yeah, but like, you don’t...”

Toni cuts Shelby off, “But what?” she snaps. “Shelby, you know if you’re trying to out-sad me, it’s a losing fucking battle.”

“But you’re free! Don’t you see that?” Shelby’s voice rises in desperation. “You don’t have to answer to anybody.”

“And neither do you!” Toni says, pointing out the obvious. “Not right now, anyway. I mean, you’re on a deserted island a million miles away from whatever bullshit expectations that you left behind. You know, you’re _free_ here, Shelby! And if you’re not taking advantage of that then I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.”

Shelby takes an abrupt step forward and grabs Toni’s face. Before Toni can even begin to make sense of what’s happening, Shelby is kissing her. Her body catches up before her brain does, and she brings her hands to Shelby’s waist. Her fingers skim Shelby’s exposed side before settling on her crop top. Toni leans in to the kiss, her lips buzzing with a sort of electricity. She moves her right hand up to cup the back of Shelby’s neck and steady them as Shelby pushes back against her. 

Toni can feel the heat rising in her cheeks. There’s a wildness in Shelby’s kiss, a need. She’s locking Toni’s face to her, her hands gripping the back of Toni’s neck firmly. It’s all Toni can do to stay upright. Toni pulls Shelby’s hips towards her slightly, trying to signal that even if she doesn’t know what the fuck is happening, she’s very ok with it. She feels Shelby inhale sharply as she yanks her head back with a gasp.

As abruptly as she started it, Shelby breaks the kiss. Her eyes widen. She takes a few panicked steps backward before turning and sprinting. Toni’s head feels like it’s filled with cotton, and she can feel her heart beating a mile a minute. 

Finally, she regains some control and yells after Shelby. Shelby doesn’t even glance back. Toni groans internally and takes off after her. As she’s running, a new reality starts to click together in her mind. All those uncomfortable glances, Shelby’s extremely religious background, her almost desperate insistence that she has a great relationship with her boyfriend. _Shit._

“Shelby, wait!” Toni shouts as she continues to tear through the underbrush after her. “Stop!” Goddamn Shelby and her long legs. 

Toni finally catches up to Shelby just as they reach camp. “Wait, wait!” She grabs Shelby’s shoulder and spins her around to face her. Before she can say anything else, something slams into her back and she falls hard on her stomach in the sand. 

“What the fuck?” Toni rolls over and sees Rachel stalking over to where Nora is lying on the ground. Great, another twin fight.

“Stop! Stop! Just everybody, stop!” Dot screams from down the beach. 

Rachel stops mid-kick and they all turn to look at Dot. 

“This right here, this ain’t happening.” Dot voice is strained. Toni can see a thin line of blood coming out of her nose. Jesus, a little hypocritical for everyone to get on her case for being “too violent” when they all seem to be at each other’s throats the moment she steps away from the group.

Toni glances over to where Shelby’s standing, but Shelby refuses to meet her gaze. 

Dot continues, “If we go out, and I’m not so sure that we won’t, it’s not going to be at each other’s throats because there is zero fucking dignity in that.” 

“What do you mean ‘go out’?” Fatin asks wearily. 

“I’ve been thinking.” Dot says, nodding her head slightly as she speaks. “First few days of this, we’re on every paper, every channel, news vans in front of your houses, sticking microphones in front of your moms and your dads and your dogs. A couple more days go by and maybe it’s only the local news. A few more days and,” she scoffs, “country A invades country B. Elijah Wood dies, Sasha Obama rips a bong, and then we’re no longer in the conversation.” 

A heaviness settles around the camp as Dot speaks. They had all been thinking the same thing, but no one had said it out loud until now. 

Dot continues, “The world’s moved on. And, I mean, maybe we have some diehards out there, people who love you enough to keep making noise and pounding the pavement, but it’s been 15 days! And searches don’t last forever, not without leads and not without cash.” Her voice shakes. “We are stuck here. The least we could do is not kill each other, ‘cause trust me, this place can take care of that just fine on it’s own.”

They all stare at Dot. She’s right. A little morbid, but right. Toni knows there’s no one looking for her.

Finally, Fatin lifts the bottle of vodka she was holding and hands it to Dot. Holding it up, Dot says, “Jeanette might have been the lucky one, the one who went out quick.” She takes a pull from the bottle and sits down heavily. Slowly, the group gathers in a seated circle and takes turns passing the bottle around. 

They stay like that for an hour, no one thinking of anything to say. Eventually, Toni gabs the water bottle near her feet and holds it out to where Shelby is sitting near her. Shelby had been careful to keep her distance, and Toni could only imagine what was going on in the girl’s head.

“Here.” Toni offers the bottle. “Boiled and cooled if you’re thirsty.” 

“I’m fine.” Shelby says, barely meeting her eyes. 

“Ok. If you change your mind...” Toni replaces the bottle. For once, she wants to talk to Shelby, to tell her everything will be ok and it will get better or some shit like that. But even in her head the sentiment rings hollow. They’re on a fucking deserted island for god’s sake. Toni’s seen the panic that’s brewing in Shelby’s eyes though, hell she’s felt it herself, and she can’t help but want to comfort her.

“All right.” Dot says from across the circle. “Well, now it’s just too fucking quiet.” No one says anything, so Dot looks over to Shelby. “Hey, this might be the apocalypse talking, but aren’t you gonna suggest some ‘never would I rather’ shit?” 

Shelby shakes her head and looks at the ground.

“God.” Rachel says. “We’re really gonna die here.” 

There’s another beat of silence, and then Fatin stands up. “Does anybody else hear that?” she asks. 

Dot looks over at her. “Hear what?”

In the distance, Toni makes out a low humming noise. Then she notices a small dot in the sky. The rest of the group stares at the dot, trying to make it out---

“A plane!” Rachel shouts, jumping to her feet.

Toni lurches up and starts screaming and waving her arms with the rest of them as the plane flies past. Suddenly, the plane banks and flies back over them. The pilot saw them! They’re going home! Marty lifts Toni off her feet and she wraps her in a bear hug. Toni lets out a victorious yell towards the sky.

Finally, she lets go of Marty and looks back at where Shelby is standing behind her. Toni can hear the rest of the girls yell and embrace each other. All except Shelby. She’s rooted to the ground. It takes Toni a second to understand the expression on her face. She looks terrified.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crazy power outages delayed this one a bit (also this ep's hard to rewatch) but here it is finally! Thank you as always for the kudos and comments!

Toni’s not sure why she agreed to this, but she found herself sitting in a line with the rest of the group pretending to be on some talk show, with Dot playing both the air-headed host and herself. 

Even though she was sure she would never be caught dead going on a talk show in real life, when it’s her turn Toni decides to be a good sport and offers up her answer to how she wants to spend her first few days back in the real world, “I don’t know, maybe hit up the OG for a never ending pasta bowl and just get back to our real lives.” Her eyes meet Shelby’s for a brief second before Shelby quickly looks away. Toni can’t help the surge of disappointment. Shelby had been avoiding her ever since they kissed in the woods and spending more and more time by herself. Toni wishes she would just let her know what she was thinking. It was one kiss, it doesn’t have to be a big deal if Shelby doesn’t want it to be. 

Almost as if she can sense what Toni is thinking, Shelby glances back at Toni and catches her staring. Their eyes hold for a second before Shelby looks away again.

Toni is vaguely aware of Fatin talking about how she wants to jump the first guy sees, and it’s such a Fatin answer that she can’t help but laugh. This prompts Dot to start talking about Mateo and Toni can see Shelby squirm out of the corner of her eye, her go-to response whenever sex is brought up. 

Bringing her attention back to the group, Toni smiles as Fatin tells Martha there will definitely be Romeos blowing up her DMs. Always the romantic. 

Elated, Martha lifts up the bottle of vodka they had been passing around. “We’re going home bitches!” she yells. The group erupts in cheers. 

Toni gets to her feet and grabs the bottle of Jeanette’s vodka where Martha has set it down. She takes a celebratory drink and then hands it to Fatin. A flicker of motion in the corner of her eye catches her attention and looks up to see Shelby walking away from the group. She hesitates, wondering if she should go after her, but what would she say? She decides against it. Shelby can talk when she’s ready. Besides, she doesn’t want to miss whatever awkward dance Nora and Dot have launched into. 

A little while later, everyone but Shelby has found their way back to the campsite. In a move that shocked everyone, Dot starts handing out all the food.

“So you’re saying we can eat everything?” Martha asks.

“Hell yeah.” Dot answers. “Major closeout sale. Everything must go!” She throws a bag of granola at Leah.

Toni, lying on her side in the sand, has assumed ownership of the vodka bottle again. She takes a drink and hears Dot ask, “Chaser my darling?” Toni glances up in time to catch the bottle of soda Dot lobbed her way.

Dot turns to Fatin and tosses her a soda as well. “The ration queen lets loose. I’m into it.” Fatin says smirking. 

“We were robbed of our island vacay. Here’s our chance to take one day of it back, maybe live a little.” Dot holds out the bag of granola that she had been eating from to Nora.

“Thanks,” Nora says with a smile.

Toni looks up at where Martha is sitting next to her and notices what looks like a bag of gummy bears in her hand. “Hey, the hell, Marty? You’ve got candy?”

Martha nods. 

“Hey where did you get those?” Dot asks from across the group.

Martha gestures towards a backpack laying next to her. “Side pocket of Jeanette’s bag.” Leah snags the candy bag out of Martha’s lap and looks at the label.

Martha continues, “Am I in trouble? I thought everything must go.”

Leah scoffs, “Yeah. No, Martha these...” She laughs. “These aren’t candy. These are edibles.”

Martha just looks at her. “Well, I know they’re edible; I just ate them.”

Leah laughs again. “No, no like, THC.” The rest of the group starts to catch on. Martha still looks confused. “Pot.” Leah explains, nudging Martha. “Martha, they’re marijuana bears.” 

Leah tosses the bag to Fatin who’s holding her arm out. Fatin looks at the bag. “Oh, man! These are potent. I had a foot once and I couldn’t feel my feet for, like, 24 hours. I didn’t know I had them.”

Martha glances around the group, looking more and more alarmed. 

“So...what would happen if someone accidentally ate three?” Martha asks hesitantly. 

Toni almost spits out the soda she had been drinking. Laughter rings out from the group as Toni rolls on her back, clapping her hands and laughing. 

Fatin looks at Martha with amused pity. “Oh, Martha, you’re gonna be tripping motherfucking balls, dude.”

From across the circle, Rachel announces “And she won’t be alone.” She holds out her hand for the bag and Fatin eagerly gives it to her. “First-timer. Fuck it.” She pops a gummy into her mouth.

Toni shrugs. “I’m in too.” She takes the bag from Rachel. “Solidarity baby.” There’s no way she’s missing a chance to be high with Marty. She pops one in her mouth and dangles the bag up.

“I’ll have one.” Leah says. She takes the bag from Toni and puts one in her mouth. Fatin’s next, then Nora, and finally Dot, who eats it like she’s at high tea. 

Dot, “All right. I’m gonna go take a piss before it happens involuntarily. So...” She stands up and walks away from the giggling group, snagging the bottle of vodka from Toni on her way out. “Thank you.”

Fatin looks at Nora “She meant pee her pants.” 

Nora laughs. “Yeah.”

Slowly but surely, the edibles start to kick in. Toni isn’t sure how much time has passed, but she’s feeling extremely content. The sand is warm against her back and a light breeze keeps the heat from becoming uncomfortable. 

She looks around to see the rest of the group is laying in the sand, except for Fatin who has adopted a meditation pose, and Shelby who is still off doing who knows what.

From her right, she hears Martha start talking to the sky. “Maaaarcus? Marcus??” 

Nora chuckles, “He’s gone Martha. He moved away.” 

“Well, where did he move to?” Martha asks. 

“Right there.” Nora pokes Martha in the chest. “Yeah, that’s where he is.” They both laugh.

“God, I’m so fucking blissed out.” Fatin groans, dragging out her words. “Not even from the gummies, just from the thought that in 48 hours I can have an orgasm.”

Amid the laughter Leah asks, “Wait, so you haven’t, like, self-induced?”

Fatin shakes her head, “No. I can’t do it with my hands, actually. I have this weird cello-vibrato PTSD. It’s a whole thing.”

Dot looks at her. “So your electric toothbrush hasn’t seen any action?” Fatin laughs. “I mean, we’ve all just assumed...” Dot says, glancing around the group.

Fatin smirks. “I might be a horny bitch, but I’m not gonna scrub my teeth and my labia with the same brush. Wait, who has got off here?” 

Toni, Nora, Leah, and Dot raise their hands. Fatin smacks Dot’s raised hand with a look of shocked pride.

“Ow!” Dot yelps, shaking her hand.

Rachel sits up slightly from where she had been laying on her back and leans back on her arms. “Can I ask? Where do ya’ll even go to do it?”

Fatin nods. “Yeah! Where do you go? Where are the pleasure nests?”

Dot doesn’t miss a beat. “What I like to do is just take Martha’s suitcase,” Martha flips over to look at Dot in horror. “And just open it up and get inside it.” 

This gets everyone laughing again. Toni thinks this is the lightest the group has felt since they crash landed here. For a second, it’s almost like they’re a group of friends on some camping trip, rather than strangers on some godforsaken island.

“What’s everybody talking about?” Toni looks over to see Shelby walking towards the group.

Leah looks up at her from where she’s lying on her back. “Orgasms.” 

Shelby sways a bit and chuckles. “Yeah, I do it too with, uh, the bath jets at our home jacuzzi.” Toni looks at her and notices the half empty vodka bottle in her right hand. The girl is obviously smashed.

Shelby continues “I might be a virgin, but I’m not just some prude. Love me an orgasm.” She takes a swig from the vodka bottle.

Fatin laughs in disbelief. “Wow, just when I thought this place couldn’t surprise me anymore, turns out Shelby liked to fuck her Whirlpool.” 

A few of them laugh a little awkwardly, not quite sure what to make of the conversation. Shelby, with a little more force than necessary, says, “Yes, I do.” An awkward silence settles in.

Either clueless to the uncomfortable atmosphere or trying to push past it, Shelby holds up the bottle and says, “So, let’s cheer to our orgasms.”

Toni’s growing more and more concerned. She looks over at where Dot is lying next to her. “Jesus, she’s trashed,” she says softly.

Dot just giggles. “Yeah, that’s a little bit my bad.” Toni watches as Shelby drops to her knees next to Martha.

After a pause, Fatin tells the group, “You know I’m going to deny this until the day I die, but I’m gonna miss the shit out of you guys.”

Toni smiles slightly and realizes she’ll probably miss some of them too. 

“And if you’re ever in L.A., you got a place to crash.” Fatin concludes.

Leah looks up from where she’s laying on Fatin’s lap. “Wait, wait. You’re not moving back to the Bay?”

Fatin shakes her head. “Yeah, no. No, I got this whole life mapped out. I’m gonna go to L.A. and cash in this heinous watch, get an apartment on 1600 Vine, where all the influencers live.”

Dot looks at her. “No idea what any of that means, but if you’re looking for a roommate, I might be interested?”

“Dorothy, are you offering to be my live-in muscle?” Fatin asks, raising her eyebrows.

Dot nods, in her current drugged state it’s a whole body movement.

“Yes, yes. Obviously, yes.” Fatin says enthusiastically as Dot wipes a fake tear from her eye. “People are gonna assume we’re lovers because, let’s face it, those cargo shorts still scream ‘gay’.”

Toni jumps in, feeling the need to defend her people. “It’s not our uniform, you know. We’ve all got our own different swag.” 

“I know. I’m just saying, people are gonna talk, and I’m gonna like it.” Fatin says, raising an eyebrow at Dot. Dot makes a kissy face in return. The group laughs with them and Toni looks over at Shelby, who looks like she wants to be vaporized on the spot.

Abruptly, Shelby calls out, “Ok, hey campers!” She stammers a bit and gets unsteadily to her feet, vodka bottle still in hand. “What do you say that I do what I do best and suggest some fucking games?” She holds out her arms and there’s a slight pause. 

Then, Martha lets out a whoop and the rest join in. 

“To the water!” Shelby yells, pointing towards the surf.

They all race to the ocean, laughing and pushing each other. Any idea of a structured game is thrown out the window when Nora jumps on Dot’s back with a yell. Toni runs through the low waves, splashing water at anyone near her. At some point, Leah decides she needs a secret handshake with everyone. Toni shows her her signature dance move, moving her fists around in a circle, and they work that into the end of their handshake. Eventually, Dot and Rachel decide to take on Leah and Nora chicken. Although, Toni doesn’t know if you can really call it chicken since Nora and Rachel just end up hugging from their position on top of Dot and Leah’s shoulders. 

Toni sits down next to Fatin in the shallows to watch the next round. Dot pauses the game to yell “Shelby! Look, if you’re not fighting, at least place your bets!” Toni realizes that Shelby never actually joined them in the water, and has been sitting alone higher up the beach. Dot continues, “Vegas has me and Rach at 20-1. Odd on favorite.” She’s slurring her words slightly but shrugs confidently. “Let’s, let’s show them how we do it. Get on,” she tells Rachel, kneeling in the wet sand

“All right.” Rachel says and climbs on her shoulders.

Dot stands up, “Giddyup.” There’s a pause as she realizes she’s standing in two inches of water. “You know what, we should probably do this in deeper water.” Kneeling back down, Dot lets a laughing Rachel climb off her back and starts to make her way towards deeper water.

As she approaches Leah, she opens her mouth to get some more trash talking in. Before Dot can say anything though, Leah grabs her gently by the shoulders, “Dot, you’re bleeding.” 

Dot looks at her arms confusedly. “Uh oh. Where?”

Leah points to her left shoulder. “Right there.” There's a small spot of blood on Dot’s tank top.

“Oh.” Dot pulls the strap aside and looks at her bare shoulder with Leah. It’s a little sunburned but there’s no open cut. 

“It’s me. Uh...” They both look over at Rachel who looks mortified. Realization dawns on the group. “I’m sorry. I’m just gonna....” Rachel quickly walks off.

Fatin tries to lighten the mood. “Uh oh. Shark week for Rachel.” Nora gives her a look that stops her from commenting further.

Toni’s not quite sure what the big deal is. She was pretty sure they’ve all had to deal with their period on the island. It’s not the most pleasant thing ever but they had come up with some creative solutions. Something in Nora’s face stops her from pointing this out though, 

Now that the game of chicken is decidedly over, Toni stands up and walks back towards where Martha is sitting further up on the beach staring at the clouds. She sits next to her. “How you feeling, Marty?” Toni asks.

Martha ignores her question. “The clouds, Toni! There’s so many!” 

“Ha, yeah there sure are.” Martha’s obviously still feeling the edibles. 

“And look! It’s Johnny!”

“Johnny? Like your Uncle Johnny?”

Martha nods seriously and points out the cloud.

“Huh.” Toni laughs. “I guess it does kinda look like him.” She glances over her shoulder and notices Shelby staring at them. 

Toni and Martha fall into a comfortable silence, broken every now and then by Martha humming random bars to songs Toni doesn’t recognize. The clouds begin to meld together and form a solid bank of light gray as they usually do in the afternoon.

Eventually, Martha mutters something about needing water and gets up and walks back towards camp. As she’s running her hands through the sand, Toni is struck by the sudden need to remember today and everything they’ve been through. She notices a small, empty glass bottle lying near her foot and decides to fill it with sand. Something about the color of the sand here, how it’s almost black but will shimmer slightly if the sun hits it right, has fascinated her since the first day. It’s not like the white sand that looks almost like powder that she’s seen on commercials for Hawaii, or the coarse, gray sand that rings the lakes near home. It has the texture of snow without the cold, the color of ash, and makes the ocean appear more powerful somehow. For some reason, the thought of forgetting how it looks and feels makes her chest ache. The sound of footsteps pull her out of her thoughts, and she looks up to see Shelby walking towards her.

“Hey.” Shelby says shakily. “What are you, um,” she gestures to the bottle of sand. “What are you doing over here?” She sits down.

Toni, keeping her gaze fixed on the ocean. “Just collecting some sand. I kind of felt like I should take a part of this place back with me. Not sure why.” 

“Well, that makes two of us. Zero clue why you’d want a souvenir from this godforsaken place.” Toni looks up at her. 

“What do you want, Shelby?” Shelby ignores her for 24 hours (something you actually have to try to do when you’re stuck on an island together) and her first words are to criticize her for collecting sand of all things.

Shelby pulls her eyebrows together. “What do you mean, what do I want?” 

Toni’s fed up. “Ok, you avoid me all day, and now you’re hovering. I can’t really figure out what you’re doing apart from getting hammered, so you should probably just tell me.” Shelby won’t even make eye contact with her now.

When Shelby finally looks up, her expression has steeled. “What I want is to know exactly what you and Martha were talking about.” She’s trying to sound commanding, but Toni can hear the fear in her voice.

Toni has no idea what Shelby’s trying to get at. She knows Marty is totally blitzed, right? “Um, well, she’s ripped out of her skull right now, so food or maybe the cloud that she thought looked like her uncle.”

“You, you told her, didn’t you?” Shelby’s voice starts to crack. “You told her about the whole...” she trails off. It finally clicks that Shelby’s talking about the kiss, and Toni can’t believe what she’s hearing. Does Shelby think that little of her? 

Shelby takes a breath. “Did you tell her?” she demands.

“No! Fuck, I would never.” Toni has no idea what’s been going on in Shelby’s head, but there’s obviously some deeply rooted issues surrounding her sexuality there. The fact that Shelby thinks she’s the type of person to go spreading that secret around feels like a slap to the face.

For some reason, Shelby looks slightly hurt by Toni’s response. “Ok, because you’re that ashamed?” 

Toni feels like she’s getting whiplash from this conversation. “Ok. No, you are obviously the one with the shame.” Shelby is looking at everything but Toni, but Toni stares directly at her. “I’m not going to lecture you on how or why or how fast you should figure things out for yourself, but you know, all your hateful church shit is not gonna help you figure out who you are.”

At the mention of church, Shelby quickly leans over and grabs Toni’s arms, cutting her off. Now she’s looking right into Toni’s eyes. “I know exactly who I am.” She tells Toni, her voice now eerily steady. “And I cannot wait to get home and get back to her.” 

Shelby lets go and pushes off the ground. She storms a few yards away and takes another drink from the vodka bottle she’s been carrying around all day. Ok, fine. If Shelby just wants to ignore what happened and drink herself into a stupor then that’s her problem.

Toni gets up and starts to walk back towards camp. The memory of Shelby’s panicked face after she broke the kiss suddenly flashes in her mind, causing her to hesitate and look back to where Shelby is staring out at the horizon. She watches as Shelby takes another drink, then sighs and continues back to camp.

She makes her way back to the rest of the group and sits down next to Fatin. Glancing around, she notices Marty is missing.

“Hey, do you know where Marty went off to?” 

“She’s just in the woods taking a piss.” Fatin answered. “Don’t worry, Dot’s been keeping an eye on her.”

Dot sends her a thumbs up from across the fire pit and Toni smiles her thanks.

“Guys! Guys!” Toni looks up to see Marty charging through the grass. “Guess what I just saw! Holy shit.” She reaches the group, panting. “I just saw Marcus, and he’s alive!” Uh, what? Those gummies were powerful but this was next level. 

Above the group's laughter, Martha is speaking earnestly. “No, really! I saw him in a tree!” 

Dot stands up. “Well, if there’s a man out there I’m going to find him.” 

“Dibs if he’s hot.” Fatin says as she also gets to her feet.

Toni’s split between amusement and annoyance that she now has to go on what’s probably a wild good chase for Marty’s beloved mannequin. “Well,” she tells Marty. “Show us the way.”

In the woods, Martha leads the group up the now well-worn path towards their water hole. Toni follows closely behind, steadying Martha when she stumbles and keeping her on track when she gets distracted by a beetle. 

From behind them, Dot pipes up, “Ok, you’re just saying he, like, fucking Pinnochio’d?” 

Martha turns around and stops. “Yes! Ok, uh-huh. That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Toni rolls her eyes and keeps walking. “He turned into a real boy.”

As Toni walks around a tree, a flash of white catches her attention. She looks down and sees the mannequin torso leaning against the tree. Smiling, she lifts it off the ground. “I don’t know. I mean, he kind of looks the same to me.” She turns and holds the mannequin up to Martha. 

Martha’s face falls. “No, but he was different,” she insists. 

Fatin moves up from the back of the group. “Marcus, baby.” She grabs the mannequin and lifts it up. “I missed you.” she croons, kissing its chest.

“I don’t understand. He was in a tree!” Martha lets out a frustrated breath and points up. “He was up there!”

“Ok, wait. If he got swept out, how the hell did he end up here?” Leah asks.

Fatin quickly butts in. “Leah, we’re mellow. We’re leaving.” Leah rolls her eyes, knowing Fatin is trying to cut off one of her “crazy” moments.

Dot scans the group. “We’re taking him back with us, right? Yeah, you know. No man left behind.” She grabs Marcus from Fatin. “Yeah, you’re coming with us.” 

Martha stomps her foot. “I told you he was here. But that’s not him!”

Fatin pats Martha on her shoulder as she walks past. “Yeah, right.”

The group slowly makes their way back to camp with Dot holding the mannequin as if it’s made of gold. The closer they get to camp, the less Martha protests that Marcus turned into a real boy and the more excited she seems just to have him back. 

They make it to the beach just as the sun is setting. The gummies are starting to wear off, and everyone settles around where the fire is burning lowly. Dot adds some more wood to ward off the incoming chill and they get ready for another night of sleeping in the sand. At some point, Shelby returns to camp and sits just at the edge of the firelight, making sure to keep her distance from the group.

Martha gets up from where she’s been sitting next to Toni and walks to the communal clothes pile. She returns with a blanket which she places over Marcus. “He’s cold.” She tells Toni matter of factly. Toni smiles and looks back at the fire. Apparently the gummies haven’t completely worn off yet.

Dot notices what Martha is doing and grabs the beanie lying at her feet. “Well, million dollar question is...” she pauses to place a beanie on top of Marcus’ ‘head’. “Who gets to keep him?”

Fatin speaks up. “Leah gets my vote. Help make the transition from Jeff to whoever’s next.” Leah, lying on her stomach, turns her head away without saying anything, not ready to joke about it.

Martha, ever the peacekeeper, says, “We could just pass him around. Like the Stanley Cup, like how they do all over the USA. You know, like, USA! USA!” She points over towards where Shelby is sitting. “Oh, Shelby! You love America so much. USA! USA!” Shelby doesn’t even look up. She’s a far cry from the bubbly girl who was dead-set on starting a ‘get to know each other’ game on the plane ride in. 

Toni feels her concern from earlier that day return and leans over to Fatin. “Do you think she’s ok?” The answer is obvious.

Fatin doesn’t answer, but instead grabs her makeup bag and walks over to Shelby. 

“Hey,” Fatin says softly as she sits down next to Shelby and holds out her hair brush. “Thought you might want this.” Shelby hesitates but takes the brush. “There might be a photo op frenzy when rescue gets here.” 

Shelby looks at her with a small smile. “Thanks.” She slowly starts to brush her windswept hair. Toni can hear it catching on the knots from where she’s sitting across the fire. With each knot, Shelby’s brushing becomes more frantic until eventually the brush starts to get stuck in her hair. 

Concerned, Fatin reaches out to take the brush. “Here, let me help you.”

Shelby jerks away. “No, I got it.”

“Are you sure? Because it’s really deep...”

“Yep. Yep.” Shelby takes a sharp inhale and rises to her knees. “It’s stuck, it’s stuck.” Toni can hear the panic creeping into her voice.

Fatin tries again to take the brush. “It’s ok, just chill,” she says calmly. 

Shelby lets out a whimper and Toni has to stop herself from going over and trying to help. 

“Get it out. Get it out.” Shelby tugs harder on the brush. Toni winces as she hears Shelby’s hair start to tear.

Fatin tries to calm her. “Chill, we’ll get it out.”

Shelby’s voice has risen enough to catch the attention of the entire group. 

“Can you get it out?” Shelby asks desperately, starting to cry.

Fatin, holding the brush where it’s stuck in Shelby’s hair “Just let me help you. I can take it.”

Shelby, so quick they can hardly understand her “No! It’s ruined, it’s ruined, it’s ruined!”

“What are you talking about?” Fatin asks.

Abruptly, Shelby reaches across Fatin and grabs a pair of scissors from the makeup bag. 

Fatin’s eyes widen. “Shelby! No, no!” 

Shelby continues speaking, too quick for any of them to understand now.

“Shelby, it’s not worth it!”

Shelby snaps, “I don’t fucking want it!” With erratic cuts, she begins to lop off chunks of her hair. “I don’t want it!” she repeats louder. Fatin looks at her in shock, mirroring the rest of the group. Toni feels rooted to the ground as she watches Shelby continue to cut her hair. Finally, Fatin grabs her hands gently and Shelby stops. 

Toni feels helpless as she watches Fatin slowly put the scissors back in the bag. Shelby finally seems to realize everyone is watching her. Closing her eyes, she reaches her hand up to feel the frayed edges of her shortened hair and takes a breath. She releases the breath in a shaky sigh and gets up to walk away from the group. Toni wishes she could think of something to say to her, that she could do anything rather than sit like a statue and watch her walk away. 

After a minute, Leah gets up and walks over to Shelby. Toni can hear them talking softly and feels a twinge of jealousy. Toni knows she’s good at a lot of things, but talking’s not one of them. She has no idea what to tell Shelby to help her get through whatever internal mess she seems to be stuck in. If she was Marty she would know what hopeful romantic mumbo-jumbo to say. Or if she was Regan---- Toni stops herself. Regan is the last person she wants to think about right now. 

Her head is starting to throb from the after effects of pot and alcohol, so she settles in next to Martha and tries unsuccessfully to block out the murmur of Shelby’s voice. It’s going to be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna stop apologizing for the delay because life is bonkers right now, but thank you all so much for reading!

Toni can feel the hot sun burning her skin, but can’t find it in herself to care. The log she’s leaning against digs uncomfortably into her back. Her stomach has long since stopped grumbling, as if it’s given up on any hope of food. Instead, a deep, aching void has settled in the pit of her stomach. Every time she gets up she’s reminded of how heavy her limbs feel and how much her head hurts, so she stays seated on the sand and lets the sun burn her skin.

By this point, they have just about given up on any hope of rescue. It’s been days since they saw the plane. Days since they celebrated and ate all their food. The thought of trail mix and candy makes Toni’s stomach twist sharply, but she can’t help it. Food is all she can think about. Somehow, Marty still thinks rescue is coming, but Toni can tell by the looks on everyone else’s faces that she’s the only one. 

She slips in and out of consciousnesses, and the next time Toni opens her eyes it's late afternoon and she somehow feels a bit better. Gathering herself, she stands and makes her way over to where Marty is sitting with Shelby.

“Remember our 4th grade teacher?” Toni asks Marty.

“Ms. Burgam? Weird lady,” Marty replies as Toni settles in next to her.

“Yeah,” Toni laughs. “She was kind of a tree-hugging nut bird. Used that natural deodorant that did not work.”

Marty chuckles at the memory. “She smelled like wet mulch.”

“I was just thinking how she used to take us on those walks behind the school. You know, pointing out dandelions and going on and on about how you can make a salad of backyard weeds. Think we can find any of that shit out there?” Toni can’t believe she might actually use some of what Ms. Burgam taught them but desperate times, desperate measures. 

Marty gives her a small smile. “Maybe...” she says, not sounding convinced. “Food run?”

Toni smiles back. “Food run.”

They start to get up and Toni reaches out to stop Martha. “Hey, um, you know who’s pretty good out there? Knows her way around?” Toni nods her head slightly towards where Shelby is sitting just out of ear shot refilling bottles of water.

Martha raises her eyebrows slightly. “Yeah?”

Toni pauses for a second and begins playing with the sand. “Maybe I should ask her to come?” 

Now Martha’s eyebrows shoot up in disbelief as she glances between Toni and Shelby. Toni would never admit it, but she’s been looking for a reason to check in with Shelby after the whole hair cutting fiasco. Although, Shelby does seem to be doing remarkably better now. It’s almost as if the less hope they have about being rescued, the more Shelby starts acting like her old self. Toni can’t quite believe that Shelby doesn’t actually want to be rescued, but it sure seems like it sometimes. 

“Yeah, I know,” Tony says. For some reason she’s having a hard time holding eye contact with Martha. “I’m not, like, cool with her, but at this point in this place, grudges are kind of childish.” Yeah, Toni can’t believe she just said that either.

Martha’s smile grows. “I’m so proud of you, Toni,” she says, sounding exactly like a mom who’s second grader just won the science fair. 

“Shut up,” Toni laughs and pushes her gently as she stands up. She raises her voice so Shelby can hear. “Hey!” she calls out. “Marty and I are going to look for some food. You in?”

Shelby looks up from her bottles and smiles. Toni’s stomach swoops and she tells herself it’s from the hunger. “Yeah, alright.” Shelby answers. 

Martha leads the three as they make their way into the forest and start hiking up a trail they had found berries on last week. Shelby had called it a “game trail”, whatever that means, and seemed optimistic that they might find something to eat near it. Toni has a sneaking suspicion that Shelby and Marty’s ideas of what that “something” is might be very different, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get there. 

An annoyed scoff breaks the silence and Toni turns to see a piece of Shelby’s mangled hair has gotten caught on a branch. Shelby pulls free and looks up to meet Toni’s eyes, smiling sheepishly. She looks so ridiculous that Toni can’t help but laugh. 

“How bad is it?” Shelby asks and starts to rein in the loose clump of hair with a barrette.

Toni shrugs. “Not bad. I mean, looks like you get your hair cut at a salon staffed by toddlers, but not bad.” 

This pulls a small smile from Shelby and again she feels her stomach swoop. 

Martha’s voice breaks the moment. “Guys, I don’t see any berries left.” 

Toni turns to see Martha standing a few feet up the trail. “Damn,” she says, walking up to her. She looks at the empty bush Martha is standing near. “Yeah, looks like we cashed them.”

“Hey, y’all.” Toni looks over to see Shelby picking up something small from the trail. “This is a find.” She holds up a small brown ball.

“What the hell is that?” Toni asks. “It looks like Milk Duds.”

Shelby places the ball back on the ground. “Don’t eat ‘em. It’s scat.” She starts to walk away and then she looks back, noticing Toni and Martha’s confused faces. “You know, manure. Scat’s what we call it in the hunting community.”

“What hunting community?” Martha asks. Uh oh.

“Just, like, the general one.” Shelby replies, shrugging her shoulders.

Martha glances at Toni before looking back at Shelby. “And you’re a part of that community?”

“Yeah, a little.” Shelby shrugs again. Toni of course already knew this, and she also knew Marty was not going to take this well.

Toni jumps in. “Hey, can we talk about what this means? I mean are we about to get mauled by whatever dropped these fucking Milk Duds?” She looks around nervously. 

“It’s not a carnivore,” Shelby answers. “They’re too round and dry. I’m guessing some small, four-legged guy.” She flips around the branch she had been using as a walking stick and begins to sharpen its end with a pocket knife Toni hadn’t realized Shelby had brought along. 

“What are you doing?” Martha asks, an edge to her voice. 

Shelby continues to sharpen the stick. “Just getting ready in case we cross paths with it. Goat, deer, whatever it is. If it gets away it’s a week's worth of food we’re letting run off.” 

“I thought we were foraging. When did animal murder get put on the table?” Martha says, growing more and more agitated. Toni feels for her, but at this point food is food.

Shelby puts the pocket knife away. “Martha, I’m sorry. I know you’re sensitive but it’s really not murder. At this point it’s more like self defense.”

“Self defense from a goat?” Martha looks at Toni for support. 

“She means from fucking starvation,” Toni replies, and it comes out harsher than she meant it to. ”By the way, she’s right.” 

Martha shoots her an incredulous look. “Are you seriously taking her side?”

Toni softens. “Marty, it’s not about sides.”

Martha rolls her eyes and looks away. “I don’t want any part of this,” she snaps and storms past Toni down the trail. Toni watches her leave, instantly regretting how that all went down. She hadn’t meant to snap at Marty, but she’s just so fucking hungry. 

Toni turns and looks at Shelby. “Well, let’s go find that stupid goat.” Shelby nods and they start walking up the trail together. 

They continue up the side of the hill in silence. Toni is a little worried about Marty going off by herself, but she knows Marty can handle herself. Eventually, all the water she’s been drinking to stave off the hunger catches up to her.

“I, uh, have to pee,” she says to Shelby.

Shelby stops and looks back at her. “Oh! Uh, I’ll just...” She takes a few steps forward and looks in the opposite direction. 

Toni ducks behind a bush and squats down to do her business. To her surprise and slight embarrassment, she can’t go. “It’s not happening,” she tells Shelby. “Performance anxiety.”

Without turning around, Shelby says, “I can walk further away.”

“Or you know, you could sing,” Toni suggests, half joking. 

Shelby laughs. Toni expects her to launch into some Christian song like she did the first time. Instead, Shelby starts to sing, “I’m gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket...”

“Macklemore?” Toni scoffs. “Where did that come from?”

“First thing that came into my head.” Toni can hear the smile in Shelby’s voice, and it makes her smile too.

“It’s random. I like it.” 

Shelby continues, “I, I, I’m hunting, looking for a come up. This is frickin awesome.” Toni’s smile grows. Of course Shelby sang the PG version. 

Toni stands up, having finished her business and walks up to Shelby. “You know what?” she asks Toni. “The first time that song was playing on the radio, I thought they were saying ‘pop some caps’. 

Toni laughs and looks back at her. “No way, I thought the same thing.”

“Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

Toni thinks back on all the times she was less than nice to Shelby. “When would I ever do that?”

Shelby smiles at her. “True.”

Toni continues walking. “Yeah I didn’t know until I got sent to the principal’s office for singing a song about armed robbery.” They both laugh and Shelby opens her mouth to say something back.

A snapping twig makes Toni’s heart jump in her throat. She stops suddenly and Shelby grips her makeshift spear, pointing it towards the noise. 

“Did you hear that?” Shelby asks.

“Yeah, it could be our mark.” Toni leads the way, more slowly now. She pushes back a bush that’s hanging out over the trail and pauses to let Shelby pass. Their eyes meet and Toni knows they’re both remembering the first day out here when she threw the bush back in Shelby’s face, knocking her down the ravine. Toni blushes slightly at the memory and nods at Shelby to go ahead.

In a slightly shocked voice, Shelby says, “Thanks,” and moves past her. The gesture’s a little awkward, but Toni hopes that Shelby understands this as a sort of apology for that first day. 

As they walk further up the trail, they notice a strange animal noise coming from up ahead. “Ok, I’m not an expert but that definitely sounds like a goat,” Toni says.

Shelby nods in agreement and they take off up the trail. Rounding a corner, they see Martha leaning down next to a small black and white goat. To Toni’s dismay, Martha is pleading with the goat to leave. 

“Martha, you found it!” Shelby exclaims.

“Run!” Martha yells at the goat, shooing it away. The goat takes off into the woods.

“What the hell Marty?” Toni asks in disbelief. 

“I’ll go track it down,” Shelby says and takes off after the goat. 

Toni starts to follow her before turning around to confront Martha. “What the fuck Marty? That was survival right there. We needed that.”

“We can find fruit, or fish.” A note of desperation creeps into Martha’s voice. “We don’t need my goat.”

“God, why are you doing this?” Toni asks, exasperated. “Why would you protect him? Protect yourself, Martha. Protect us.”

“We’ll be ok. We can forage---”

“Bullshit! Ok, you can’t keep living in this fairy-dust world where bad shit never happens. You know, everything’s going to turn out in the end.”

She’s struck a nerve. “That’s not how I think!” Martha says, on the verge of tears. 

Toni doesn’t let up. “Death, Marty, ok? Fucking death is coming for us and you can’t just pretend it away.”

“You don’t think I know that?”

“Well it doesn’t fucking seem like it.” With that Toni takes off after Shelby and the goat, leaving Martha standing in the clearing. 

It’s not long until she catches up to Shelby. “See where it went?” she asks.

Shelby shakes her head. “No. I lost it after it ducked through some bushes.” Toni pushes past her and continues walking up the trail.

“Do you think Martha’s gonna be ok?” Shelby asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. This place, like, makes you face your demons or something and it turns out your demons are really fucking ugly.” God, why couldn’t Marty put herself first for once in her life? They were gonna die out here because Marty decided to make some wild goat her pet.

“Yeah,” Shelby says softly. 

Toni stops and looks back at her. “No, I didn’t mean--- I didn’t mean yours. I just meant, like, everybody’s.” 

Shelby gives her a slightly awkward smile. “I know.”

Toni looks up and notices a tree they’ve never seen before on the island. There are red, familiar-looking bulbs hanging from its branches. It takes Toni a second to realize what she’s looking at. 

She grabs Shelby’s arm lightly to get her attention. “No fucking way,” Toni says.

“Oh my God,” Shelby says, seeing them too.

“Lychees!” Toni yells and runs to the tree.

“Oh my God!” Shelby repeats and runs after her. They both start pulling down as many of the fruits as they can and stuff them into their mouths. Toni’s never tasted something so good. Lychee juice is running down her chin and arms but Toni couldn’t care less.

“Oh my God, this is the best thing ever,” Shelby says.

In between lychees, Toni looks over at Shelby and says, “If we end up hurling after this it’ll still be worth it.” 

Shelby laughs as Toni reaches up to grab more of the fruit. “Amen.”

Looking back at Shelby, Toni notices she has a chunk of lychee stuck to her cheek. There’s something about the absurdity of the situation and the way Shelby looks right now that makes her start to laugh.

“What? What’s funny?” Shelby asks. 

Toni wipes her own mouth off with the back of her arm. “You have a little...” Without thinking she reaches out to clean the lychee off Shelby’s face.

As soon as her thumb makes contact with Shelby’s cheek, a kind of heaviness settles around them. Shelby brushes a piece of her windswept hair out of her face and keeps her eyes locked on Toni’s. Toni is hit with the urge to reach out and touch her face again, but she holds herself back. This is going to happen at Shelby’s pace or not at all.

Toni’s heart rate starts to speed up as she watches Shelby take a breath and close the distance between them, her eyes flickering down to her lips. Shelby softly places her hands under Toni’s jaw and pulls her into a kiss.

The difference between this kiss and their first is night and day. There’s no urgency or sense of desperation this time. This kiss is soft and confident. Toni can taste the lychee juice on Shelby’s lips as she rises onto her tiptoes to better match Shelby’s height. 

Too soon, Shelby breaks the kiss and takes half a step back, her eyes still on Toni’s lips. Toni also takes a step back and pulls in a shaky breath to steady herself. “You sure?” she asks Shelby. She needs to know that Shelby’s not just going to run off and shut her out again.

Shelby again closes the distance between them and lowers her head to kiss Toni. She places a soft kiss on Toni’s lips and pulls back slightly, pressing their foreheads together. “I’m sure,” she says. Toni swallows heavily and gives a small nod in understanding. With slightly shaking hands, she reaches up to grab Shelby’s face. Shelby matches her and finally pulls Toni in for another kiss.

It deepens quickly this time, and Toni moves her hands down to Shelby’s waist. She feels Shelby let go of her face and grab the bottom of Toni’s tank top. More than happy to oblige, Toni lifts her arms above her head so Shelby can pull her shirt off. Shelby tosses it to the ground and pulls her own shirt over her head without the slightest hesitation.

There’s a slight pause as they both take in the sight of the shirtless girl before them before Shelby grabs Toni’s face and pulls her in again. Toni brings her hands to the back of Shelby’s head, supporting her, but feeling for the slightest hesitation or sign that Shelby wants to stop. Instead, Shelby grips Toni’s hips, pulling her body flush with hers. Toni gasps slightly at the sudden closeness. She can feel the heat radiating off Shelby’s skin as she deepens the kiss. 

Shelby’s tongue skims her lips and Toni feels a jolt of electricity course through her body. Maybe it’s because it’s been so long since she kissed someone, or maybe it’s the sugar from the lychees hitting her blood stream, but Toni’s never had a kiss feel like this. She eagerly opens her mouth and can’t help but smirk in satisfaction as Shelby gasps softly when Toni runs her fingernails down her back. 

Not to be outdone, Shelby tightens her grasp on Toni’s hips and slowly begins to back her up against a tree. Before they get there, Toni’s heel catches on a root and she lands heavily on her back with Shelby landing on top of her. 

Shelby hovers over Toni, her eyes wide with shock. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Are you ok?”

Toni smiles up at her. “More than ok.” She lifts her head to kiss Shelby again. Shelby meets her halfway and Toni feels Shelby smile against her lips. The ground is mercifully soft where they landed, although Toni thinks she could have landed on a pile of rocks and not noticed.

“Well, in that case...” Shelby grabs Toni’s wrists and raises them above her head. She slowly lowers her body until Toni can feel the weight of her hips on her own. Pressing Toni’s wrists into the soft earth, she kisses Toni. Toni’s not sure where all this confidence came from but she can’t say she minds. 

With one hand holding her wrists in place, Shelby uses the other to lightly drag her nails across Toni’s stomach. Toni’s stomach muscles clench at the sensation and she feels a familiar pressure starting to build in her lower stomach. Shelby breaks the kiss slightly to smile at Toni’s reaction. Ok, now she’s getting entirely too confident. 

In one motion, Toni bucks her hips and rolls over. Caught off guard, Toni easily breaks Shelby’s grip on her as they swap positions. She smiles broadly at Shelby’s shocked face. “Hey!” Shelby says.

Toni smirks. “You started it.” 

Shelby laughs and pulls Toni down to resume the kiss. Toni runs her fingers through Shelby’s hair, careful not to get caught on any knots. She shifts slightly to find a more comfortable position and settles with one leg in between Shelby’s. As she leans down to deepen the kiss, her thigh presses firmly between Shelby’s legs. She feels Shelby gasp and lift her hips at the sudden contact. 

Toni pulls her head back, afraid that she overstepped. Shelby’s pupils are blown wide. Almost immediately, she grabs Toni’s face and kisses her again. This time, there’s nothing gently about it. Shelby’s tongue finds its way into Toni’s mouth and Toni again applies pressure with her thigh. Shelby bucks against the contact and digs her fingernails into Toni’s back, trying to pull her even closer. Toni gives an experimental rocking motion and Shelby lets out a small moan. 

The sound makes Toni flush. She lowers her hand and places it on Shelby’s lower stomach, near her waistband. She feels Shelby’s muscles twitch at the contact. “Toni,” Shelby gasps.

Toni slips her thumb under the waistband and pauses. She lifts her head to look at Shelby questioningly. “Is this ok?” 

Shelby nods. “More than ok.”

Shifting to straddle Shelby, Toni replaces her knee with her hand, the heel of her palm pushing firmly against Shelby. She lowers her head to kiss Shelby again and begins making small, circular motions with her hand, shocked at how wet Shelby already is. Shelby sucks in a breath and begins grinding her hips into Toni’s hand. Toni quickens her movements and Shelby’s breathing starts to become erratic.

“Please, Toni. I need...” Shelby gasps.

Toni slips two fingers into Shelby and Shelby arches her back against the contact. Encouraged, Toni begins to move her fingers up and down, slowly building her speed and keeping rhythm with Shelby’s hips. She hears Shelby’s breath quicken as she arches her head back into the ground. Toni curls her fingers slightly and sends Shelby over the edge. She feels Shelby shudder under her as she continues to move her fingers up and down, letting her ride out her orgasm. 

As Shelby stills, Toni rolls over to lie on her side next to her. Eventually, Shelby opens her eyes and stares up at the darkening sky above her. “Oh,” she says softly. “So  _ that’s _ why people won’t shut up about it.”

Laughter erupts out of Toni, startling them both. Shelby looks over at her and smiles. “You know, it’s probably not a good idea to hike back in the dark. We could maybe stay here tonight?” She blushes then adds, “I could return the favor?” 

Toni feels a smile spread across her face. “Well, I’m certainly not going to say no to that.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
